Why is it that We Romanticize Toxic Love?

Many fan-favorite relationships in popular culture are grounded in manipulative or painful beginnings, with emotional turmoil often serving as the backdrop for couples getting together. Toxic love has become a strangely captivating theme, reflected in the shows and movies that dominate our screens today. This phenomenon raises an important question: why do we romanticize relationships that are fundamentally unhealthy?

Exhibition A: The Summer I Turned Pretty

Let’s face it: The Summer I Turned Pretty may be an entertaining show, and it’s easy to see why it’s beloved. With its heartfelt moments and relatable coming-of-age charm, it resonates with many viewers. However, upon closer inspection, the love stories it features reveal morally questionable dynamics.

Belly, the protagonist, finds herself caught in a love triangle between two brothers, Jeremiah and Conrad. Despite Jeremiah cheating on her twice in Season 3, Belly agrees to marry him less than a week later. This decision raises eyebrows, especially when she lashes out at Conrad for being emotionally unavailable during a difficult time in his life, claiming he treated her worse than Jeremiah did. This narrative taps into a familiar yet problematic cultural script: that true love requires sacrificing one’s own well-being and excusing harmful behavior.

By wrapping these dynamics in a sentimental coming-of-age story, the show romanticizes toxic love. It transforms manipulation, betrayal, and emotional pain into something desirable, blurring the lines for its young audience regarding what a healthy relationship should look like.

Exhibition B: Kpop Demon Hunters

Another show that has gained immense popularity is Kpop Demon Hunters. While not strictly a romantic series, it delves deeply into intense personal relationships and complex romantic entanglements, many of which fall into the realm of toxic love.

The relationship between Rumi and Jinu is particularly troubling. Jinu, a 400-year-old demon, emotionally manipulates Rumi, who is in her early twenties. Their relationship feels rushed and forced, lacking a natural progression. Jinu’s character, initially portrayed as a villain, suddenly becomes a romantic interest, undermining Rumi’s agency and growth. This dynamic raises questions about the normalization of unhealthy relationships in media, particularly when they are presented as romantic.

Exhibition C: The Notebook

The Notebook, a beloved romantic film released in 2004, is another prime example of toxic love being romanticized. The relationship between Noah and Allie is rooted in unhealthy behaviors from the very beginning. Noah’s persistence borders on harassment, as he threatens to jump from a Ferris wheel unless Allie agrees to date him. This act of emotional blackmail is presented as romantic rather than alarming.

Once they are together, their relationship is characterized by constant fighting, which is framed as passionate rather than indicative of poor communication. The film suggests that as long as love is intense, it can excuse behaviors like cheating and emotional manipulation. This portrayal sets unrealistic and potentially dangerous expectations for viewers, equating passionate love with toxicity.

Exhibition D: Toxic Love in Music

Toxic love is often depicted in music with intense highs and lows, drawing listeners in with its drama. Many songs celebrate tumultuous relationships, reinforcing the idea that love is only real when it’s complicated. For instance, Every Breath You Take by The Police is often viewed as a romantic classic, yet it describes possessiveness and obsession under the guise of love.

Other songs, like Don’t Lie by The Black Eyed Peas and Toxic by Britney Spears, further normalize unhealthy dynamics. While not all negative depictions of love in music are inherently bad, the issue arises when these toxic behaviors are romanticized, potentially ingraining in young audiences the belief that unhealthy relationships are something to endure in the name of love.

How To Not Fall Into These Traps of Romanticizing What’s Unhealthy

To avoid romanticizing unhealthy relationships depicted in media, it’s crucial to understand the difference between normal, temporary struggles and genuinely harmful patterns of behavior. Healthy love can involve conflict, but it’s about how partners navigate those conflicts together. Mutual respect, understanding, and a commitment to working through issues are essential.

Emotional highs and lows should not be equated with manipulation or abuse. It’s vital to assess whether the challenges in a relationship lead to mutual growth or simply pile on damage and distress. Recognizing harmful behaviors—such as emotional control, deceit, or physical aggression—can help individuals steer clear of the trap of romanticizing toxicity.

Loving someone wholly means embracing both their strengths and flaws, encouraging growth without trying to change who they are. This distinction is crucial for fostering healthy relationships, both in real life and in the media we consume.